Tuesday, June 21, 2016

A Bit of Diet Advice

Getting older. Sucks, huh? Are you having trouble keeping the pounds off? Well, look no further! I have invented a technique that will melt away those pesky pounds. I can restore you to the former you before the current you was nary a thought in the former you’s head. And the best part? No diet books, no elliptical machines, no dumbbells, no crossfit, no yoga. All you need is an esophagus and a dream.
            Isn’t bacon delicious? My mouth is watering right now just thinking about a few extra-crispy pieces, the kind that just snap right in half. Nom-nom-nom. Now, what if I told you that instead of cooking a pound of bacon, you could cook half a pound of bacon and still get a pounds worth of pleasure? You’d probably say, “Oh there goes Taylor again just being his crazy old self.” But, it’s true! And the great thing is that the technique works with any meal. Take your rice, broccoli, chicken, or your soup and sandwich, or your spaghetti and meatballs. It. Does. Not. Matter. One-hundred percent hit rate. A kill shot between the eyes.  Every. Single. Time.
            It may take a few tries to get the technique down, but like swimming, it’s a skill you’ll have forever and it just might save your life.
            Okay, enough is enough. I know you want me to get to it already. You’re thinking, what’s with all the BS? Just get to this crazy secret already. I think you’re right. Let’s stick with the bacon example. So, you whip out the pan and peel off a few strips. A few minutes later they’re sizzling, and the air is thick with a greasy barbeque smell. Now, come a little bit closer, here’s what you do: eat the slices as you normally would in the flavour desert you inhabited before you learned my innovative technique. Then work your esophageal muscles like a grain elevator. Like a self-powered Heimlich Manouever; beam up the recently consumed meal back into your mouth. An esophagus is like a bicep or any other muscle: you can train it do powerful things.
You should be able to figure out at this point the ingenuity of my method. If not, however, it’s like this: You can eat a meal twice, even thrice! (only advanced practitioners should try thrice). Swallow your meal and then back up the chute it goes. Let that pre-chewed stuffed pepper swirl around again in your mouth. Why not stay an extra night in the penthouse villa that overlooks Flavourtown? Mmmm . . . the rice and tomato sauce is perfect. Ever wonder why most food tastes better after a night in the fridge? How about ten minutes in the belly? One can even type out a few emails while it’s sitting there snug in your own personal hands-free takeout container. We already re-cycle. Why not re-eat? In fact, I’d say you have to be re-tarded to pass up this advice. You can thank me later . . . but not with your mouth full!
If you don’t want to take my diet advice—fine! It’s no skin off my back. This is a great country. You can ingest what you like. Healthcare is practically free. Just eat your three cheeseburgers six times if you so desire. That’s a double shot of freedom right there! Do what makes you feel good, that’s what I say. Yet, my technique is undeniably green and good for the environment. Can’t discount that in this day and age now can you? Got to mind your carbon footprint and all that jazz. Don’t want the grandkids only seeing butterflies and birds in textbooks. And that’s just it: you’re not eating half a pound of ground beef in the meatloaf, you’re only eating a quarter . . . again.
Won’t someone think of the cows and chickens?
Umm . . . well . . . this is kind of uncomfortable . . . but, this guy is.
Imagine all those cute little piggies, irascible chickens, and languishing cows, and then . . . imagine chopping them all in half!
             Keep in mind that my method is one-hundred percent effective for twenty-five minutes after the ingestion of a meal or snack. After that the stomach acids start to take hold of your gut and break down the food. It is imperative not to utilize my regurgitation method after the twenty-five minute window lest you get a mouth blast of acrid stomach bile mixed in with the distant vestiges of the meal’s flavour.
Re-eating is the future of food. Get to it, folks!

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