Saturday, August 21, 2010

Plight Of The Left-Handed Man

When I was a young boy I noticed that something was different about me. No, it wasn't my unusually large penis, it was my left-handedness. As a kid I thought, 'why is it so damn hard to write in notebooks at school?'. Pencils always rubbed off and left a dark ugly streak down my pinky finger and the side of my wrist. The binder rings were always in my way too! Oh how I hated the first few lines on the page--I couldn't get my hand positioned correctly so my wrist was cocked way up high. The pen was almost at a 90 degree angle with the tip pointing at my chest. As a result my penmanship suffered terribly. Fuck the TROOPS! I'm in agony here; just an impressionable boy trying to learn his ABC's.

But there were benefits to being different from 85-90% of the gen pop. I struck out SO many batters in little league. For a skinny little runt I could whip a fastball harder than almost anyone in the league and right on the outside corner. Sometimes I would toy with the other team; during the warm up between innings I would lob bananas and lull the other team into a false sense of security. Then when it came time to face a batter I laced a fast one and you could tell by the kickback of the catcher's arm it was a stinger, like the kickback from a shotgun--he pulled his hand out of the mitt and shaked it up and down. I had the power. This is what it must be like to be a CEO. I could feel their attention and respect radiating through me. This pitch was dialed in straight from the hand of Jesus, if Jesus was a pitcher instead of a carpenter.

One night I was pitching an All-Star game. It was the final game of the tournament--our All-Star team against theirs for the championship. It was the bottom of the 7th--the final inning. There were two outs and the bases loaded. We were up 3-2. The game was in my hands. I was pitching the last 2 innings. I peed my pants. I wasn't nervous it was more of a physiological need to go. I HAD to pee! I didn't want to hold the game up so I soldiered on. After all it was the bottom of the 7th. I kept crossing my knees to find relief and some of the parents noticed. I couldn't hide it, I had to FLOOD a toilet. My Dad yelled from the stands, "TAYLOR, do you have to go to the bathroom?"

"No, I'm alright." I yelled back. With all the parents standing and everyone anticipating potentially the last pitch of the game I couldn't just say, "Okay guys, bottom of the 7th with 2 out, I'm just going to take a leak in the bushes." That's just not how I operate. I'm a professional. I'm an ALL-STAR goddamnit. So...I just let go. When waging a war against your bodily functions you can win a few battles but ultimately your body wins the war.

It wasn't a mere trickle but a fire hose stream down the leg of my all white pants. From the waist down I was drowning in adolescent pee. And NOW I have to somehow get this batter out and win the tournament? It was time for some real Angel in the Outfield type shit. I glared down this kid and chucked a fastball high and inside but still in the stike zone. He hits a weak grounder right at me. With my pants stuck to my legs I bent down and waited for an agonizing second as the ball rolled into my glove. While that was happening I was deciding if I should throw the guy out at first or go for the guy running from third to home. I caught a strong whiff of piss while my head was between my knees but calmly, and with great poise I might add, threw the runner out at home. The catcher made the play in the nick of time and the team went NUTS running towards me with their arms in the air screaming mad like they were martyred terrorists and I was the first heavenly virgin to grace their eyes.

No no no it's hazardous, there's pee everywhere! Why are you all HUGGING me? There was no time to react, my team was all over me and we all embraced as one and began jumping up and down in unison. Sadly, that was the first and only time a gaggle of young boys hugged me while I was covered in pee. Finally when the celebration ended I went to the rec centre across the street and had the best pee of my young life. That first piss after you win it all is always the best.

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